Ask the Coach — #26
[dc]T[/dc]his is the column where I answer a website visitor’s question in hopes of supporting all visitors through shared (and likely, relevant) challenges, triumphs, and struggles. To submit your question, see the guidelines at the bottom of this page.
About six months ago, my long-term boyfriend and I broke up. It just wasn’t working (different priorities, we learned. My priorities? Financial health, career, building a life together. His priorities? Video games and his drinking buddies). He moved out of the apartment and I stayed. I’ve done a lot of emotional healing and grieving work around the break-up, and I think I’m ready for a new relationship. My problem is, no matter how much I put myself out there, I’m not meeting anyone I click with. I’ve been on several dates, but find that shortly into our time together, I’m restless or annoyed. I don’t want to settle, and with Valentine’s Day around the corner, I’m feeling particularly lonely. How can I be open and ready to receive love again?
Back in the Game in Georgetown
Dear Back in the Game,
I’m sorry to hear about your break-up. Clearly, he is someone you really loved at one time. I’m glad to hear you’ve done healing work around the ending of the relationship. That’s something that a lot of people don’t do. Some will dive right into another relationship and bring the baggage along. So, bravo, for taking care of you!
Speaking of baggage… so you want to be open for new love. As an addendum to your emotional healing work, I’d encourage you to consider what kind of clutter your ex has left behind that could be taking up the space where new love would grow.
Let’s start with the obvious — physical “stuff”. You say you’re still living in the apartment that you shared with him. While it would be ideal to move and start fresh in a place of your own, that’s not possible in a lot of cases. Fortunately, there’s plenty you can do if you choose to stay put.
Look around your apartment. Is there anything still there that is his — whether it was entirely his or a “joint” item that was really more for him? Do you still have any gifts he gave you, mementos from times together, or photographs displayed? Although I don’t think it’s necessary to get rid of all this stuff, it’s certainly worth looking at with a fresh perspective. What do you have from your relationship that makes you feel anything other than great when you see it? What knickknacks, books, movies, or furniture remind you of unhappy times? These things may seem to only be “stuff”, but there’s a lot of energy attached to them; energy you want freed up for a new relationship.
For example, where did your ex used to sit to play his video games? That chair holds some power because it reminds you, either consciously or subconsciously, of your differing priorities. Maybe you felt, at times, that his games were more important to him than you were. You wouldn’t want a reminder of that in your home. If you’re not able to get rid of the chair for whatever reason, consider conducting a smudging ceremony to release the negative energy and welcome in new, healthy, loving energy. You can smudge the chair, and I’d also encourage you to smudge the entire apartment.
Other types of clutter, which are not so obvious as the stuff we see, are emotional and spiritual clutter. It might be a good idea to do some energetic cord cutting with your ex to release the power that painful memories, harsh remarks, or old beliefs may still have over you. My hunch is that some of this is going on where you mentioned getting restless and annoyed easily on dates, and your mention of his priorities. 😉 It sounds like there’s definitely some emotional and spiritual clutter that needs clearing. Without doing so, your ex continues to occupy at least some, if not most, of your relationship seat and there’s no room for someone new.
And here’s some good news! And such perfect timing! Starting on February 22, I’m teaching a four-week telecourse (you can call in from anywhere in the world!) on Clearing Clutter, and I’ll be covering all the different types that I mentioned above. You’ll also have homework after each class to complete that week and access to a supportive Facebook group to help keep you on track. There’s no doubt that this process will get you ready for love! Check it out here.
Once you make the space available, you’re sure to meet more guys who will be your type because you’ll be ready for them!
All the best,
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