This is the column where, each week, I’ll be answering one website visitor’s question in hopes of supporting all visitors through shared (and likely, relevant) challenges, triumphs, and struggles.

Dear Kerri,

My older sister and I are in our 50s and lived together until five years ago when I fell in love and moved in with a man. She had difficulty accepting this, and our relationship steadily deteriorated. Initially, discussing the problem helped, and she was OK for a day; then would revert to silence.

I’ve told her I want both of them in my life, but she tells me I’m dead to her, refuses to speak to me and acts like she doesn’t know me (in public). This hurts, but I realize I need to let the pain go for my benefit. Any suggestions?

Signed,
Estranged in Edmonton

Dear Estranged,

I’m so sorry to hear your relationship with your sister is going through such a difficult time right now. While every challenge is a learning experience, it doesn’t make the lesson any less painful.

It’s difficult to offer specific advice without knowing the full story of how the distance came about, however, I can suggest some things to consider in an effort to take good care of yourself.

If you feel unclear on the complete reasons your sister is not speaking to you, and you’d like to mend the relationship, consider writing her a note expressing your desire to get together and talk. If you do meet, instead of preparing for any kind of “battle”, have your intention for the conversation be more about sharing your feelings and being open to hearing hers. The point is not to declare a winner, otherwise you both lose.

If, on the other hand, you wish to honor her need for space and/or you feel like you need some space and time away as well, you could communicate that to her and invite her to get in touch with you when she feels ready to talk.

In the meantime, I’d encourage you to make peace with whatever option you choose and feels right at this time by being with the emotions as they come up. Journal, meditate, dialogue with your sister in writing (with no intention of sending it to her — simply for you to work through your feelings). As you do, try to get yourself into a compassionate listening place — for yourself and for your sister.

What could be the deeper story behind her pain and silence? Your finding a partner and moving in with him is merely a symptom of her pain. Invite her to explore and share the source if and when she’d be willing and if and when you’d be interested in listening.

Our relationship with our family is so important and so significant, yet can sometimes be quite challenging. So, I’d first encourage you to determine what you’d like your relationship to look like with your sister, and take it from there considering the above approaches.

All the best to you,
Kerri
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Last week, I was witness to the incredible power of nature and the discomfort and joy of being almost completely disconnected from email, internet, and telephone.

As I sit quietly in my family room, I hear the wind howl and pick up strength slowly and consistently over the hours. Having heard no predictions of hurricane-force winds, I just think it’s an exceptionally breezy evening. That is until I hear strange noises outside.

I look out my dining room window and see roof shingles on the hood of my car. “Well, that can’t be good,” I think.

The lights begin to flicker and I know it’s just a matter of time before the power goes out. I shut down my computers, gather up flashlights and candles, and prepare for the disconnect. Fifteen minutes later, lights out.

Since it’s just after 11 PM, I figure, no big deal. I’ll just go to bed.

I wake up the next morning, eager to see my bedside clock blinking to indicate we are back in business. No such luck. Still no power. This goes on for about 36 more hours. At first, it’s a fun adventure: Go out to breakfast, chat with the other locals about how crazy the weather is, head to the beach at high tide to watch the waves crash onto the parking area, drive around to see the result of Mother Nature’s power.

As I drive, I’m charging my cell phone in my car so I can still conduct client calls. (That didn’t happen). The initial excitement dies down and I head home. I lose track of how many light switches I habitually flick on, or go to respond to emails (thank goodness for my iPhone). Not so fun anymore.

Once again, I let go of my resistance and find I’m able to settle into the peacefulness of being almost entirely disconnected. I read at night by the soft light of a lantern. M and I chat about the day as a candle flickers on the table. It’s quiet. It’s still. It’s heavenly. Other than the house being a bit chilly, this isn’t so bad after all.

OK, I’ll admit it. I do a happy dance when I get home Saturday evening and see the outside light shining brightly. But I do intend on doing my best to introduce more of that stillness, that peacefulness into my days by disconnecting a little bit more.

Give it a shot. It’s enlightening (pun intended).