I was having tea with a Twitter friend and coaching colleague, and we were talking about how we don’t adhere to a lot of the old school coaching training, such as “Don’t offer your client advice. Simply help them pull the wisdom out from within.” Or “Never share anything about yourself during a session.” The conversation got me thinking. For the eight years that I have been coaching, people have asked if they could do “as needed” coaching with me. My answer has always been no — that coaching is about establishing and building a relationship to work on laying a solid foundation and not about putting out fires. While I still firmly believe that, I also have opened up to the fact that sometimes people just need a skilled coach to offer a fresh perspective on a specific situation from time to time.

As it usually happens, as I was contemplating this, I received a phone call from a woman inquiring about my services. What did she want? As needed sessions. OK, Universe. I get it.

So, I’m happy to announce that starting immediately, I’m now offering 45-minute Laser Coaching Sessions!

• Have you ever found yourself in a particular situation and you can’t seem to find a doorway out?

• Do you need to have a difficult conversation with a friend or family member about a specific subject and you could use some help with the language?

• Has it become clear that you need to set a boundary, but you don’t know how to go about it?

Then a Laser Session is for you.

In our 45-minute session, I will help you step back from your situation and suggest some best ways to handle it as well as provide input on how to do just that. We’ll not only handle the particular scenario you come to the call with, but we’ll also touch upon the possible sources, or deeper issues, of what is going on.

The key to these sessions is specificity, hence the term “laser”. A specific, targeted situation with which you could use some objective help is what is best served. When you book a Laser Session through my website, you’ll receive an email requesting a detailed description of your situation, as well as some days and times that work best for you. Please note, Laser Sessions are offered Monday-Friday, between 9 AM and 4 PM, as availability allows.

To book your session now, click here.

Image by nayukim



This is the column where, each week, I’ll be answering one website visitor’s question in hopes of supporting all visitors through shared (and likely, relevant) challenges, triumphs, and struggles.

Dear Kerri,

Why do I keep attracting new friends that prove to be untrustworthy? Everything seems great, and then one day they open up to me and start gossiping about all of their friends, and most of what they are saying isn’t very nice.  I don’t know how to continue being friends with someone who does that because I worry what they may be saying about me so I end up pulling away.

Signed,
Confused in New Hampshire

Dear Confused,

Thanks for your question. It’s one I’m sure lots of people can relate to.

It’s always good to pay attention to the repetitive challenges the Universe sends us. These friends of yours who come into your life and gossip about others are giving you a great opportunity to set some boundaries.

While pulling away is one way to set boundaries, if it’s a friendship you’d like to keep, develop, and grow, then I’d encourage you to consider a conversation with that person about your discomfort with gossip.

Imagine saying something like this, “Jane, in honor of our friendship, I want to be honest with you. When we’re together and you begin talking about someone who’s not with us, it makes me uncomfortable. I’d much rather have our time together be spent on sharing, laughing, and celebrating one another. So I’m asking you to refrain from gossiping when we’re hanging out so we both can be more present for each other.”

How would it feel to have that kind of conversation (tweaked to sound like your own voice)? Chances are, you’ll have to remind your friend of this new boundary a couple times before she gets it. If, after reminders, she is still not honoring your needs and that’s that may be when it’s time to think about ending the friendship.

When you think about the friendships you’ve pulled away from, are there ones you miss and you could consider having a chat like the one above with them?

Setting boundaries is so incredibly important to our quality of life. When we do it, we create energetic space for even more wonderful people to come into our lives. Don’t let gossiping friends occupy the space of mutual, loving, fun, authentic friendships. Give them the chance to be that type of person and see if the relationship evolves.

Sending love,
Kerri
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To have your question considered for Ask the Coach, simply send an email keeping the following guidelines in mind:

• Be specific. Make sure your question is clearly stated to prevent any misinterpretation. That way, you’ll be sure to have your specific need addressed.

• Keep it under 150 words. Any emails longer than the specified limit will be ineligible for selection.

• You only need to send your question once. While only one of the emails sent in a specific week will be answered, I’ll be keeping eligible emails for possible use in future columns. Be sure to keep checking back each week, not only to see if yours was selected, but to also check out the one that was. Chances are each week’s question can pertain to your life in some way!

• Only emails selected for publication will be answered. Due to the volume received, I am only able to answer the weekly selected question.

• By submitting a question, you are authorizing its use on this website.

• Submissions may be edited and/or shortened for content and length purposes.

To read the archive of Ask the Coach, click here. To submit your question, go ahead and send an email



This is the column where, each week, I’ll be answering one website visitor’s question in hopes of supporting all visitors through shared (and likely, relevant) challenges, triumphs, and struggles.

Dear Kerri,

How do I learn to like myself better?

Signed,
Melancholy in Munich

Dear Melancholy,

This is a simply stated, yet powerful question. Thank you for your courage in sending it to me.

The short answer? By loving yourself where you’re at.

In my work with clients, and personally, I’ve found that the most powerful shifts can be made in our lives when we let go of the resistance to where we are currently. By loving ourselves where we are, we become more gentle with our spirits, more patient with our growth, and more compassionate to all around us. It’s in this place that I’ve seen and experienced some pretty amazing changes occur.

I remember working with a therapist years ago on uncovering some of the reasons behind my eating and weight gain. One day, she said to me, “To begin to get your health and body back in the shape it once was, you need to love your body as it is now.” At the time, I thought this was the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard! Why would I make any changes to my lifestyle if I loved myself the way I was? What’s the motivation? It took a year of her gently and subtly dropping that message during our sessions before I finally got it. And it was when I practiced loving myself not at my ideal weight that my eating improved and the pounds started coming off. What I discovered was by living in a place of self nonacceptance, I was hanging onto the weight like a shield — protecting myself not only from the potential of others’ judgment, but more significantly, of my own judgment.

Since that time, I’ve seen how this approach can relate to all aspects of our lives. What is it about yourself and your life that you are dissatisfied with? What changes do you wish you could make, but aren’t? Take a look at those areas and check in to see how self critical you are in regards to where you’re at. The negative voice inside our heads and the painful words it spews shoot right to the heart of the young child in us all. When you say and think hurtful or hateful things, picture yourself as a young child. Would you really speak to her that way? To pass along some advice I read years ago, pull a photograph out of yourself as a young girl and put it someplace where you’ll see it often. When you start the self defeating talk, look deep into her eyes and show her the love and compassion that you would any other child.

You have the opportunity to be an attentive and caring mother to her, and it is in that place when you’ll begin to feel the fulfillment of loving yourself right where you’re at. And you deserve all the support you desire. If you feel a therapist or a coach (depending on the source of the current struggle) would be of help, give yourself that gift.

Sending love,
Kerri
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To have your question considered for Ask the Coach, simply send an email keeping the following guidelines in mind:

• Be specific. Make sure your question is clearly stated to prevent any misinterpretation. That way, you’ll be sure to have your specific need addressed.

• Keep it under 150 words. Any emails longer than the specified limit will be ineligible for selection.

• You only need to send your question once. While only one of the emails sent in a specific week will be answered, I’ll be keeping eligible emails for possible use in future columns. Be sure to keep checking back each week, not only to see if yours was selected, but to also check out the one that was. Chances are each week’s question can pertain to your life in some way!

• Only emails selected for publication will be answered. Due to the volume received, I am only able to answer the weekly selected question.

• By submitting a question, you are authorizing its use on this website.

• Submissions may be edited and/or shortened for content and length purposes.

To read the archive of Ask the Coach, click here. To submit your question, go ahead and send an email

Do you feel like you need help putting the pieces together? Having worked with hundreds of people, I can tell you that a key ingredient to any success is having the right support. When you partner with a coach, you quickly see how much easier your ability to change and improve your life becomes. Through years of experience as a coach, combined with my intuitive approach, I offer fresh perspectives, accountability, evaluation of where you are expending your energy unnecessarily, and support in letting go of blocking beliefs and setting boundaries. Let’s chat and see how we can rock your world!

Life Coaching

Are you living with the nagging feeling that there’s got to be more to life than this? Give yourself the gift of a supportive partner who will help you get back in touch with your dreams and desires. Only when you feel truly nurtured and cared for (by yourself) can you then give freely — out of true joy and surplus instead of guilt and obligation. Your time is now. Don’t put it off any longer. Get in touch for a complimentary exploratory conversation. I’m here to support you, challenge you, and guide you. Oh, and we’re sure to have lots of fun, too!

Thoughts from past clients:

“I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciated your talent, devotion, and skill at what you do. What a godsend your clarity is! … your focus was so helpful, and you somehow came up with such helpful, practical/spiritual, strong messages and reminders. I am often agog at the surgical precision of your words, just the right thing at the right time. It can feel like water to someone in the desert. You made a big difference in my life.” — Ruth L.

“Since working with you, my life has changed in so many positive ways. It has been wonderful to have your guidance, support, and wisdom along with your upbeat personality guiding me along this path. I hope you know what an impact you’ve had on my life. I am very excited to see my life unfold.” — Laurie M.

“I know that every professional athlete, business person, creative artist and human being can benefit from working with the right coach and working with Kerri helped my business immensely! I have seen vast improvements in every area – financial, organization, clarity, focus and general peace of mind. Kerri asked my permission to be ‘tough’ on me and we went back to the basics right away. This cleared my head and helped me focus on laying a solid foundation for the future. I know I’m ready for every opportunity that comes my way now. I *loved* having Kerri on my team! “

Sandy Grason, author of Journalution

How I Work

I do all of my coaching via the telephone – during daytime hours (EST). I speak with my clients either two or three times per month (depending on the chosen plan) for 30 minutes each. In between calls, the support continues via e-mail (as needed). Through their work with me, clients find that they are able to see situations in new and different ways, and together we come up with appropriate action steps to move them in a direction that is aligned with their desires and values.

The main components of coaching that clients really appreciate is the ability to work with a supportive partner – someone who will hold them up when they struggle, and give them a gentle “kick in the behind” when they fall behind. Someone who will help them to set better boundaries so they can honor their needs and self-care. The support and accountability are both key components in anyone’s success.

There are many coaches out there who require a minimum three-month commitment to start. I understand why that is the case, as in the coaching world, we are told it takes a solid 90 days to see the far-reaching effects of coaching (although I would like to humbly admit that I find clients I work with see results sooner than that . I don’t require clients to commit to a certain number of months simply because we may find, in a month or so, that I am not a fit for you. I am then happy to refer you to someone else. Conversely, I have an ideal client profile I go by and may find that a client I started working with is not a good fit for me. For coaching to be successful, there must be an energetic match. This is why I offer the flexibility of working on a month-to-month basis. I am proud to say I have yet to have a client ask for a referral, and I credit that to my commitment to only take on those clients who I have a strong sense that we would work well together.

Fees for Private Coaching

Three, 30-minute calls per month, with email support in between, as needed: $400 USD.

Two, 30-minute calls per month, with email support on the off weeks: $275 USD.



This is the column where, each week, I’ll be answering one website visitor’s question in hopes of supporting all visitors through shared (and likely, relevant) challenges, triumphs, and struggles.

Dear Kerri,

My older sister and I are in our 50s and lived together until five years ago when I fell in love and moved in with a man. She had difficulty accepting this, and our relationship steadily deteriorated. Initially, discussing the problem helped, and she was OK for a day; then would revert to silence.

I’ve told her I want both of them in my life, but she tells me I’m dead to her, refuses to speak to me and acts like she doesn’t know me (in public). This hurts, but I realize I need to let the pain go for my benefit. Any suggestions?

Signed,
Estranged in Edmonton

Dear Estranged,

I’m so sorry to hear your relationship with your sister is going through such a difficult time right now. While every challenge is a learning experience, it doesn’t make the lesson any less painful.

It’s difficult to offer specific advice without knowing the full story of how the distance came about, however, I can suggest some things to consider in an effort to take good care of yourself.

If you feel unclear on the complete reasons your sister is not speaking to you, and you’d like to mend the relationship, consider writing her a note expressing your desire to get together and talk. If you do meet, instead of preparing for any kind of “battle”, have your intention for the conversation be more about sharing your feelings and being open to hearing hers. The point is not to declare a winner, otherwise you both lose.

If, on the other hand, you wish to honor her need for space and/or you feel like you need some space and time away as well, you could communicate that to her and invite her to get in touch with you when she feels ready to talk.

In the meantime, I’d encourage you to make peace with whatever option you choose and feels right at this time by being with the emotions as they come up. Journal, meditate, dialogue with your sister in writing (with no intention of sending it to her — simply for you to work through your feelings). As you do, try to get yourself into a compassionate listening place — for yourself and for your sister.

What could be the deeper story behind her pain and silence? Your finding a partner and moving in with him is merely a symptom of her pain. Invite her to explore and share the source if and when she’d be willing and if and when you’d be interested in listening.

Our relationship with our family is so important and so significant, yet can sometimes be quite challenging. So, I’d first encourage you to determine what you’d like your relationship to look like with your sister, and take it from there considering the above approaches.

All the best to you,
Kerri
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To have your question considered for Ask the Coach, simply send an email keeping the following guidelines in mind:

• Be specific. Make sure your question is clearly stated to prevent any misinterpretation. That way, you’ll be sure to have your specific need addressed.

• Keep it under 150 words. Any emails longer than the specified limit will be ineligible for selection.

• You only need to send your question once. While only one of the emails sent in a specific week will be answered, I’ll be keeping eligible emails for possible use in future columns. Be sure to keep checking back each week, not only to see if yours was selected, but to also check out the one that was. Chances are each week’s question can pertain to your life in some way!

• Only emails selected for publication will be answered. Due to the volume received, I am only able to answer the weekly selected question.

• By submitting a question, you are authorizing its use on this website.

• Submissions may be edited and/or shortened for content and length purposes.

To read the archive of Ask the Coach, click here. To submit your question, go ahead and send an email



This is the column where, each week, I’ll be answering one website visitor’s question in hopes of supporting all visitors through shared (and likely, relevant) challenges, triumphs, and struggles.

Dear Kerri,

I have reached a point in my life/career were I want to do something else. In the past when this has happened, I’ve always known what my next step would be. What’s challenging for me this time is that I don’t. I am exhausted of the toxic environment I am in and wish to be free from it. How to do I start figuring out what my next step is?

Signed,
Miffed in Miami

Dear Miffed,

What an exciting time to be on the verge of change! While you’re unsure of your next step, what you are clear on, it seems, is that you want out of your current environment.

When a desire to escape a situation is a main motivator to initiating change, we need to be careful about possibly jumping from the frying pan into the fire. To help yourself get clear on what it is you’d like to do next, I’d first encourage you to find ways to emotionally detach from the drama and toxicity of your current work environment. How can you take care of yourself, energetically, so you are not depleting your spirit’s resources by “tolerating” or “surviving” at work? How can you leave work at work? By not exploring these avenues, it’s likely you’ll find yourself in a similar, if not worse, environment next.

Consider this: When you feel aggravated or your buttons get pushed by something at work, vent in a notebook, take a walk, or close your door and do 60 seconds of deep breathing. These exercises can help bring you back to center and re-ground your energy, putting you more in a position of power in regards to your life and situation. And the bonus? Once you detach yourself from the toxicity as much as you can, you’ll be much more likely to identify your next steps, and have it be from a place of power instead of desperation.

By feeling tangled up in an unhealthy environment, you don’t have the space available to pursue or welcome in new directions or opportunities, so it’s no wonder you don’t feel clear on your next move. Focus your actions on creating that space to effect change. Start by taking care of yourself where you are in order to discover where you want to go.

Cheers,
Kerri
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To have your question considered for Ask the Coach, simply send an email keeping the following guidelines in mind:

• Be specific. Make sure your question is clearly stated to prevent any misinterpretation. That way, you’ll be sure to have your specific need addressed.

• Keep it under 150 words. Any emails longer than the specified limit will be ineligible for selection.

• You only need to send your question once. While only one of the emails sent in a specific week will be answered, I’ll be keeping eligible emails for possible use in future columns. Be sure to keep checking back each week, not only to see if yours was selected, but to also check out the one that was. Chances are each week’s question can pertain to your life in some way!

• Only emails selected for publication will be answered. Due to the volume received, I am only able to answer the weekly selected question.

• By submitting a question, you are authorizing its use on this website.

• Submissions may be edited and/or shortened for content and length purposes.

To read the archive of Ask the Coach, click here. To submit your question, go ahead and send an email



This is the column where, each week, I’ll be answering one website visitor’s question in hopes of supporting all visitors through shared (and likely, relevant) challenges, triumphs, and struggles.

Dear Kerri,

About a year ago, I left a regular corporate job and went into business for myself. I work out of my home as the only member of my company. Things are going really well, however, I find myself second guessing my decision. Financially, business is very successful, and I love the flexibility in my schedule and the independence. Sometimes, though, I find my motivation and energy level dipping. Now that the somewhat frantic pace of getting the business established has mostly wound down, I’m often slow to get going and procrastinating a bit; even occasionally missing my old job, which to my logical mind, seems nuts since I couldn’t wait to get out of there. Do all new entrepreneurs go through this dip and what can I do about it?

Signed,
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie, NY

Dear Perplexed,

Congratulations on making the successful transition to entrepreneurship! That is quite a feat, and you should be proud!

It sounds like now that things have settled a bit, the quieter energy is allowing you to be with yourself more and with the busyness less. Depending on your personality, that can be a blessing or a curse.

When you’re feeling low energy, do you like to refuel with quiet alone time or by being around people? Some really need solitude to rejuvenate and feel “clicked in” again. Others, and this happens a lot with solopreneurs like yourself, the isolation that can come with running your own business out of your home can be a bit daunting.

My guess is that it’s not your old job you are missing, but the social connection of having co-workers. Give this a shot: Over the next week, choose two days when you can spend a couple of hours working from a local coffee shop or your public library. Try to stay at least two hours there, and while you’re there, as well as after you’re home, take a few moments to check in to see how you feel. I bet your mood will be lifted and you’ll feel much more motivated. Sometimes we just need to be in the energy of others without needing to engage in chit chat or conversation.

If you find that this “dip” that you’re feeling persists and begins to interfere with your daily get-up-and-go, you might consider seeking the support of a good therapist. You can ask for referrals from your primary care physician (if you really connect well with him or her), friends, family, or your insurance company. Giving yourself this gift of a full hour where you get to talk things through with an objective professional is invaluable. Take some time to write down your ideal qualities in a therapist, and be sure to interview a few to find a good match.

Best of luck to you in your business and in your ongoing self care!

Cheers,
Kerri
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To have your question considered for Ask the Coach, simply send an email keeping the following guidelines in mind:

• Be specific. Make sure your question is clearly stated to prevent any misinterpretation. That way, you’ll be sure to have your specific need addressed.

• Keep it under 150 words. Any emails longer than the specified limit will be ineligible for selection.

• You only need to send your question once. While only one of the emails sent in a specific week will be answered, I’ll be keeping eligible emails for possible use in future columns. Be sure to keep checking back each week, not only to see if yours was selected, but to also check out the one that was. Chances are each week’s question can pertain to your life in some way!

• Only emails selected for publication will be answered. Due to the volume received, I am only able to answer the weekly selected question.

• By submitting a question, you are authorizing its use on this website.

• Submissions may be edited and/or shortened for content and length purposes.

To read the archive of Ask the Coach, click here. To submit your question, go ahead and send an email



This is the column where, each week, I’ll be answering one website visitor’s question in hopes of supporting all visitors through shared (and likely, relevant) challenges, triumphs, and struggles.

Dear Kerri,

I have been working for what feels like forever on my personal growth and emotional healing. I’ve read libraries worth of books, attended more seminars than I can even recall, and have been working with a therapist for years. While I feel like I’ve certainly made progress, I am nowhere near where I want to be. I keep thinking the next book or seminar will hold the answer. How can I either get out of my own way to let the healing come or what piece am I missing that will help me “see the light”?

Signed,
Swirling in Seattle

Dear Swirling,

Oh if only there was a magic solution somewhere out there! Based on what you shared in your question, it sounds as if the missing piece just might be you.

It’s easy to get caught up in reading lots of self-help books and attending endless seminars seeking the answer. When we spend so much time looking outside of ourselves for understanding, compassion, and guidance, we can certainly find it, however, it’ll be very temporary. The key is what you do to incorporate into your life all you’ve learned in the books and at the seminars. Permanent change always comes from within.

Yup, I know. Probably not the answer you wanted to hear. Most people don’t like that answer because it means committed and consistent work on their parts. There is no quick fix. However, there are easy and manageable ways to get going.

To start, I encourage you to purge any books that no longer serve you. Chances are they are simply acting as reminders of perceived “failure” or a waste of money.  Do a quick sort into two piles – keep and donate. It’s ok if the first go around you have a small donate pile. Just go through the keep pile again and get rid of any book that you aren’t excited about and feel good about keeping.

Now that you have this physical (and mental) space cleared, do some free writing in your journal about what aspects of your life you long to improve. Ask yourself, “If my ________________ (fill in with the part of your life you’ve identified) was just as I dream it to be, what would that look like?”

Next, brainstorm some ideas on action you can take to begin to move toward this ideal scenario. If you find it challenging to come up with steps that feel manageable, consider asking some trusted friends or working with a coach.

When you partner with a good and qualified life coach, you get the invaluable benefit of unbiased support from someone who’s only interest is your success. A coach can help you see things in a new way, work with you to identify those action steps, and offer accountability.

Ready for the great news? It’s in taking small, simple baby steps that you’ll quickly feel much more empowered, and you’ll realize that the benefit you anticipate feeling at your end result is actually found in the journey. How cool is that? You get to feel that fulfillment and joy much sooner than you had realized!

My best to you,
Kerri
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To have your question considered for Ask the Coach, simply send an email keeping the following guidelines in mind:

• Be specific. Make sure your question is clearly stated to prevent any misinterpretation. That way, you’ll be sure to have your specific need addressed.

• Keep it under 150 words. Any emails longer than the specified limit will be ineligible for selection.

• You only need to send your question once. While only one of the emails sent in a specific week will be answered, I’ll be keeping eligible emails for possible use in future columns. Be sure to keep checking back each week, not only to see if yours was selected, but to also check out the one that was. Chances are each week’s question can pertain to your life in some way!

• Only emails selected for publication will be answered. Due to the volume received, I am only able to answer the weekly selected question.

• By submitting a question, you are authorizing its use on this website.

• Submissions may be edited and/or shortened for content and length purposes.

To read the archive of Ask the Coach, click here. To submit your question, go ahead and send an email

This is the column where, each week, I’ll be answering one website visitor’s question in hopes of encouraging and inspiring you all through your shared (and likely, relevant) challenges, triumphs, and struggles.

Dear Kerri,

With the school year coming to an end and my four, beautiful children home for the summer, how can I balance patience, love, fun and me time without losing my mind? My hope is for us all to have an enjoyable summer and make some great memories to laugh about in the fall.

Signed,
Sweating the Summer

Dear Sweating the Summer,

Good news! You’re way ahead of the pack to even be thinking about a plan. Many parents just grin and bear it, and forget themselves for the summer. Just because it’s school break for the kiddos doesn’t mean your needs get shelved for a couple months.

Try and keep somewhat of a “norm” for the kids. They’re used to being around their peers — interacting, playing, and learning. And they’re used to the rigidity of school schedules and demands. By letting the pendulum swing in the complete other direction — meaning a summer full of free, unstructured time — you’re asking for trouble.

Avoid long periods of time where the kids are just hanging out at home. They’ll be bored and you’ll be aggravated — a recipe for arguments. Are there programs or camps in your area that you could have them participate in to keep some sort of routine during parts of the break? By being thoughtful about their summer activities, they’ll continue to be engaged and you’ll get some time for yourself.

Remember to include yourself in the planning of summer fun. Schedule some girls’ nights out, date nights with your spouse, maybe even an overnight visit to a friend or family member.

Creating happy memories stems from being together out of excitement and desire, not guilt and obligation. So while you’ll most likely be spending some time this summer doing things that aren’t necessarily on your bucket list, by making sure you take more time for yourself than you think you need, you’ll be able to be more joyfully present for those activities that matter to your kids.

Here’s to a summer of fun!

Cheers,
Kerri
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To have your question considered for Ask the Coach, simply send an email keeping the following guidelines in mind:

• Be specific. Make sure your question is clearly stated to prevent any misinterpretation. That way, you’ll be sure to have your specific need addressed.

• Keep it under 150 words. Any emails longer than the specified limit will be ineligible for selection.

• You only need to send your question once. While only one of the emails sent in a specific week will be answered, I’ll be keeping eligible emails for possible use in future columns. Be sure to keep checking back each week, not only to see if yours was selected, but to also check out the one that was. Chances are each week’s question can pertain to your life in some way!

• Only emails selected for publication will be answered. Due to the volume received, I am only able to answer the weekly selected question.

• By submitting a question, you are authorizing its use on this website.

• Submissions may be edited and/or shortened for content and length purposes.

To read the archive of Ask the Coach, click here. To submit your question, go ahead and send an email

This is the column where, each week, I’ll be answering one website visitor’s question in hopes of encouraging and inspiring you all through your shared (and likely, relevant) challenges, triumphs, and struggles.

Dear Kerri,

I have had such an ordeal in my life over the last 40+ years of needing to be acknowledged or having some validation that I am doing well in whatever I endure in life. I am in school now as a mature student and find that I am sad because I feel I don’t get the praise others do and yet am doing excellent in class.

Along with the feeling that I constantly have on my shoulders of not being good enough, I have found a friend in food about 7 years ago when my mom passed. I gained 100 lbs and find myself always making an excuse on why I will start the next day.

I did grow up as the youngest of many children in a poverty level and got beat up by kids because I looked so ragged.

Please shed some light on why I must have validation or approval to live my life!

Signed,
Fed Up in Freeport

Dear Fed Up,

My condolences to you on the loss of your mother. I imagine no matter how much time goes by, it’s incredibly difficult to lose a parent.

It’s tricky when we find ourselves up against beliefs that we’ve long-held, but find now no longer serve us — for you I hear that it’s your need for outside recognition to feel worthy and valuable. You’re certainly not alone in your strong desire for praise and recognition. It’s one of our basic human top needs, according to Maslow’s hierarchy.

Because our belief system is formed between birth and age 6, if you found, growing up, that acknowledgment was lacking, coupled with the mistreatment you experienced by your peers, you’ll naturally carry that desire into adulthood. The good news is, now that you are a grown woman, you have the wonderful opportunity to be an exceptionally loving and caring mother to yourself.

That part of you that feels “less than” or invisible can be loved and seen by you. That’s where it has to start before you can really take it in from others. If you don’t believe it for yourself, others’ words temporarily will fill the hole, but like a colander, will drain out of the bottom.

So, in the meantime, when you aren’t feeling seen by others recognition nor yourself, in comes food to fill the void. As Geneen Roth (a brilliant woman and author, well-versed in the real meaning behind people’s struggle with food) says, There is no amount of food on the planet that can satiate spiritual hunger (I’m paraphrasing). When we feel invisible, especially to ourselves, it’s as if our spirit — that inner light — gets dimmer and dimmer; especially under the emotions you are likely stuffing down with food.

Your spirit deserves to shine brightly! There are a couple things I think would be helpful for you to consider (each working best when in conjunction with the other):

1. Find a skilled therapist or counselor if you don’t already have one. Be sure to interview a few (yes, I know it’s some leg-work) to see if their specialties and approach match what you need. No settling allowed!

2. Check out some of Geneen Roth’s work. Her books have helped thousands and thousands of people get clear on what’s really behind their eating.

I wish you all the best — you deserve nothing less.

Sincerely,
Kerri
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